Toxic Relationships: How to set healthy boundaries
Whether intentionally or not, toxic people create a huge drain on your energy and health. They are a source of stress, drama and significant effort, you are giving more than you are receiving within the relationship, constantly made out to be the ‘bad guy,’ and it every time you try to set a healthy boundary, it’s like a bomb went off in the relationship. Sound familiar?
Every toxic relationship dynamic is different and the way it is managed is often very delicate. But the few tips I’ve compiled here are pretty universally applicable, so read through and see what you might glean!
1.) Identify your core personal values.
Loving yourself and knowing what behaviors you are willing to tolerate is a really great starting point. This can feel pretty challenging if you’ve been dealing with a toxic person your entire life. If you struggle with things like self-love or negative self-talk, you might not even recognize verbal abuse. So if it’s easier, think of how you would like a loved one to be treated and apply those same principles to yourself and your relationships. What is your moral compass? What types of behavior feel inappropriate or disrespectful?
2.) Ask yourself why you really desire to have a relationship with this person.
The true answer to this question can be very revealing. Although it’s often the first response, things like, “She’s my mother” or “He’s my brother” are absolutely not adequate responses here. You need to allow yourself to truly consider how this person is effecting you and your life, what you are expecting and hoping to receive from the relationship v.s. reality, what types of patterns this relationship may be revealing in other relationships, and why you are continually choosing to subject yourself to their behavior. For many people the answer comes down to feelings of guilt, shame, obligation or wanting to rescue.
3.) Practice calm, clear and concise communication.
People who thrive on drama will latch on to every little detail, innuendo or tone of voice. Practice communicating in such a way that does not allow for negative interpretation. No need to over-explain, blame or defend. Simply state your peace and move on. Do not take the bait.
4.) Limit your time with them.
Often the simplest possible (albeit temporary) solution is to limit time with a toxic person whenever possible. Do whatever you can to disengage, remove yourself from situations where you may encounter them one-on-one, and if necessary, make it clear why. Chronic negative emotions can influence emotional and mental health, as well as your physical well-being.
5.) Release expectations.
Please know, that because the relationship is already toxic, healthy boundaries are often simply not respected. You’ll need to have an action plan in place for when your boundaries are inevitably crossed. What will you do if ‘x,y,z?’ (i.e. restate your boundary, leave the room, provide an ultimatum…etc.)
Some toxic people do simply seem to thrive on breaking boundaries. Especially if they’re used to getting what they want or walking all over you, the new relationship requirements will be bucked. Prepare yourself for the inevitable challenge, but stay connected to your core values and know that it will be worth it for your sanity longterm!
I specialize in dynamic marriage and family therapy, and I’m passionate about helping people negotiate the most challenging situations and difficult relationships. You CAN create healthy boundaries and I can help you!
