Boundaries during the holiday season
It’s that time of year again: New Hallothanksmas, aka Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New years.
Although for many this time of year is exciting and an opportunity to live out past times and traditions with people you love. For man, this span of 3 ½ months is has an extra layer of tension. Questions like “Will my in-laws speak negatively of me if we decide to stay home this year for Christmas?” or “What if I can’t afford to get everyone that matters to me a gift and have to prioritize...” begin to swirl around in our minds, effectively taking away the peace that we should rightfully own this time of year.
Although experiencing peace amongst chaos is possible, its often our responsibility to create a structure that protects our peace and most valuable: our hearts. The word boundary has become a buzzword. I am sure you have heard someone haphazardly say this exact phrase. “You just need to set a boundary with them.” Great, so, what is a boundary and how do we set them?
The best ways to conceptualize a boundary is by starting with what it isn’t. Boundaries aren’t a vindictive means to harm someone. Boundaries aren’t in place of connection. Lastly, boundaries don’t change a person, they change the amount of harm that you absorb.
Boundaries are not a vindictive means to harm another person, although the person whom the boundary is being implemented with may think so. Imagine a house. If you gave someone a key to your house and you come to find that they enter whenever they please. Maybe they even redecorate portions of your house. I can imagine that you, who are reading this, is shouting “Oh... I would be so mad.” Yet, we allow unsolicited opinions, or intrusive members of our lives to rearrange our feelings and influence our beliefs to the point of changing them. Allowing your beliefs and standards to stand firm despite whatever reaction it may evoke on the receiving end frees you of the heaviness that taking on another person’s “stuff” can bring.
Boundaries are not in place of connection, they protect connection. Allowing someone complete access to you, your emotions, thoughts, plans, and world invites “back seat drivers”. We can only follow one direction. That direction should be ours. Although “wise” counsel is valuable and necessary at times, we should be driving our own car. Our boundaries should match the amount of responsibility someone shows with the access we have given them to our lives. Imagine we allow someone to drive our car that does not know how to drive. There would likely be an accident. But, if we drive to a parking lot and allow them to park the car, they may be better equipped to handle that scenario. If someone has repeatedly crossed lines in a variety of categories, they may not be able to connect with you responsibly with the amount of access you have given them to your heart and life.
Boundaries do not change a person, they allow a person to exist as they are without you being harmed in the process. We all want our loved ones to be able to exist in a healthy relationship with us. It can be excruciating when a person we love just won’t respect the “do’s and don’t's “ of our lives. It can put us in a position where we feel like we have to compromise our peace in their presence. Instead, I encourage you to lay a boundary with a consequence. When our boundaries do not come paired with an appropriate consequence, they are more like requests.
Boundaries with consequences teach people how to treat us. It may not change their person-hood, but it will change how they approach you and leave space for you to feel your peace.
Learning to set boundaries and navigate dynamics within your relationships takes time, and knowing your own barriers to wellness. It is a journey that requires patience for yourself and for those around you, getting used to the new you. The above overview on boundaries merely scratches the surface on what boundaries can do to protect your peace, I encourage you to begin by noticing the places in your life where things don’t feel quite right. It is there where we can begin to form our relationships into the healthiest they can be.
