Common Issues Couples Fight Over Series: Part 1
How We Spend Time Together
Without any guilt or judgement, take a moment to honestly consider the following question: in a given week on average, how much time do you devote to spending uninterrupted quality one-on-one time with your partner?
9 times out of 10, in an unhealthy or unhappy relationship, that amount of time is negligible. How you choose to spend time together or not spend time together is truly a barometer for your relationship.
In my own marriage, I have noticed this pattern play out over the years. During seasons of increased workload, personal stress, or plain old busyness, quality time may fall by the wayside. Rather than checking in and spending time to reflect on the day or go for a walk together, you may feel too burnt out to talk. Something has got to give and by the time you put all of your other obligations first, you’ve got nothing left to offer your spouse at the end of the day or week. As Netflix fires up so that you can mentally check out, potential connection goes out the window, too.
While there will always be a natural ebb and flow of activity or obligations outside of the marriage, if you neglect to find ways to prioritize intentional time together, it does not take long to feel disconnected, irritable and short-tempered with each other.
If that disconnect is a chronic pattern in your relationship, it is an uphill battle to regain that lost ground or intimacy, but it can be done.
Red flags that indicate a lack of quality time:
You don’t find yourself missing your partner. When you don’t actually spend enough time together, you end up not enjoying spending time together. Busyness becomes a viscous and easy cycle of distraction and ‘not spending time together’ becomes ‘not WANTING to spend time together.’
You can’t agree on anything to do together. Once compromise is no longer an option, it’s a big indication that connection is already lost and intervention is needed.
You are prioritizing other commitments. While all of your commitments are important, work, friends, projects or even kids should not regularly come before your spouse.
You no longer see the good in your partner. If you find yourself saying negative things behind your partners back or feeling as if they can do no right, you will continue to only see the worst.
Every couple and individual has a different threshold for the amount of quality time that is acceptable. Within that, every individual also has preferences on HOW exactly that quality time is spent or what activities qualify as quality time. While one spouse might prefer to stay inside and play board games together, the other might feel most connected by enjoying a walk together in nature, or going out to dinner. One person may consider yard-work as quality time, while the other may not. It’s all about perspective and below are a few solid tips for making the most out of your quality time.
Tips for successful quality time:
Compromise. It’s important for both partners to feel seen, validated and supported in the ways that they need. Find ways to meet in the middle for neutral activities that you both like, try something neither of you have ever done before, or take turns planning date nights.
Be present. Give your partner your FULL attention and do your best to stay completely present for them. Put your phone down, get a babysitter, ignore distractions…etc.
Start fresh. Sometimes you just need a jump-start to break out of bad habits and ruts when it comes to the way you spend your time. Plan something special whether it’s a little romantic picnic or a weekend road trip.
Communicate your needs clearly. It’s important to know and honor your own preferences and needs as well as your partner’s. What activities make you feel most connected to your partner? If you’re in a long-term relationship, what types of activities can you resurrect from early on in your relationship?
When it comes down to it, there is no exact formula or one-size-fits-all solution for every couple. But if you’re tired of not feeling interested in your partner or no longer feeling as if you have anything in common, there are many options to rekindle a sense of intimacy. The only real key is that you’re both willing and interested in cultivating that connection.
If you would like a little support, reach out about Couples Therapy or Dynamic Couples Therapy today.
Be sure to check out the next post in this series, How We Spend Time Apart.
