Common Issues Couples Fight Over Series: Part 2
How We Spend Time Apart
In our last part of this blog series “Common Issues Couples Fight Over,” we looked at How We Spend Time Together. Quality time (or lack thereof) is a big source of stress and bickering for many couples. Today we look at the opposite end of the spectrum: How We Spend Time Apart.
“For the happiest, most harmonious relationship, spend 70% of your time together, and 30% apart. That gives each of you enough freedom to explore your own interests while still being rooted and invested in your relationship.”
A 70/30 suggestion is possibly an accurate average, but it obviously varies for every individual couple. The challenge may be that some couples unwittingly and happily choose to spend far too much time together, while other couples are satisfied to spend very little time together. Both scenarios are to the detriment of individual development and the health of the relationship.
So the real question becomes: how do you know if you’re spending a healthy amount of alone time and together time?
Spending time apart in a healthy way is under the assumption that you are already first prioritizing quality time together. From there, the way you spend time alone should be nourishing for your soul. ‘Alone time’ doesn’t mean running errands by yourself or catching up on household projects. Spending time apart should be an intentional and mutual choice based on each individual’s needs. Here are a few ways to assure that your time apart doesn’t turn into wasted time or arguments:
Maintain or cultivate individual hobbies. Rather than melting in to one entity, it is healthy to have your own interests and passions that do not necessarily involve your partner. Nourish your creativity and interests with your alone time and do not force your partner to be interested in every single aspect of your life. Afterall, if you don’t want to spend time with yourself, don’t expect anyone else to want to. ;)
Respect your partners needs for alone time. Understand that it may be more or less than your own needs, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love and value you.
Maintain friendships. It is easy to lose track of friends especially with a new, exciting relationship or a very long-term relationship. But you need to prioritize other healthy friendships so that your partner is not your only emotional support system.
Too much of any good thing can be a bad thing. Remember that even if you feel satisfied spending all of your free time with your partner, you may be neglecting other relationships, passions or callings of your own. It’s important to not be totally dependent or codependent on your partner.
In addition to these suggestions, I also would add that an occasional more extended time apart can be very nourishing for both partners. It’s healthy to have small periods of time to miss each other and even cultivate romance and anticipation. Perhaps it’s a mini-retreat or a long intentional day trip away in which both partners can simply reset.
If you need ideas for self-care and an understanding of what that even means, check out a previous blog post here:
When it comes down to it, there is no exact formula or one-size-fits-all solution for every couple. But if you’re tired of not feeling interested in your partner or no longer feeling as if you have anything in common, there are many options to rekindle a sense of intimacy. The only real key is that you’re both willing and interested in cultivating that connection.
If you would like a little support, reach out about Couples Therapy or Dynamic Couples Therapy today.
