Common Issues Couples Fight Over Series: Part 4
Note: for the purposes of this particular blog post, we are referring to intimacy within the context of marriage. This is not necessarily applicable to dating and is not applicable to abusive or toxic relationships.
Intimacy
Intimacy and/or sex are almost always included in the top 2 things couples fight about the most, the other being money. Perhaps this is because we were never really taught how to navigate such delicate matters…intimacy is, afterall, a very intimate topic to talk discuss!
Over the years, many couples tend to for get about the importance of intimacy and take it for granted. As life gets in the way of dating, intimacy is not prioritized and becomes non-existent. This is how once loving, married couples turn into roommates who are coexisting.
At it’s core, intimacy is simply a fruit of healthy communication.
“In the context of intimacy, many couples argue about who does the initiating, the lack of foreplay, or connection. Most arguments are driven by differences in wants, needs, preferences, and sex drive or libido. Underlying this conflict are the couples struggle with communication and knowing how to navigate towards negotiation and compromise.”
Intimacy within the context of our culture is complicated. For one thing, in general, it is culturally accepted to choose to have sex before marriage. Most people do nowadays. It’s normal, logical, even healthy. Nothing “wrong” with it, as long as you’re being responsible, right? And yet where do we go from there? If 50% of all marriages are ending in divorce and 20% of all marriages are sexless….maybe our culture is wrong. Set aside your beliefs and personal experiences to consider how sex outside of marriage inevitably impacts our development of intimacy.
There are 5 levels of intimacy: 1) Safe Communication, 2) Sharing Other’s Beliefs & Opinions, 3) Sharing Personal Beliefs & Opinions, 4) Sharing Personal Feelings & Experiences, and 5) Sharing Deep Needs, Emotions & Desires. When we have sex outside marriage before reaching the highest level, we are creating a false sense of intimacy in our relationship. The sex makes us feel closer than we really are.
“Let’s say we’re at level three, where many couples start having sex outside marriage. We’re only sharing thoughts, opinions, and beliefs at this level. The sex makes us feel close, but in reality, we don’t know each other very well. We’re experiencing a false sense of intimacy. We’ll use sex to express our love, communicate, and resolve conflict. And now it’s at this level of emotional intimacy that we’ll most likely stay.” - Source
In other words, emotional intimacy can get stalled at the level where we start having sex…Oops.
Another challenge within our cultural norms is that the term ‘intimacy’ is so often used interchangeably with ‘sex.’ In reality, sex should be a result of existing healthy intimacy (physical touch, cuddling, spending quality time together, along with all 5 of the levels mentioned above.) What many people don’t realize is that even if your body and mind feel safe and secure within a relationship, your subconscious is often simply stuck at one level of intimacy development. True intimacy is actually mostly communication.
Healthy, honest, open communication = intimacy.
So how can we improve healthy communication/connection and thereby intimacy? In addition to working with a counselor for tailored suggestions, here are a few suggestions:
Increase physical touch. Kissing, hugging, and holding hands all produce the hormone oxytocin, which is necessary for feeling connected and happy.
Spend quality time together. Branching off of another post in this series, you cannot have healthy intimacy until you are spending quality time together. Make sure you know what ‘quality time’ means for you and your spouse.
Show appreciation. It always feels good to offer or receive heartfelt thanks. Look for the best in your spouse and when you see it, express your thanks to make them feel seen.
Be vulnerable. Sometimes it can feel difficult to truly open up. Trusting each other with your thoughts, dreams, emotions and fears is a huge part of intimacy.
Try something new. When you both step out of your comfort zone and into a completely new experience or activity, it lends itself naturally to a team mentality. Even if you don’t love the activity, you can support one another through it and share in the common experience and connection.
A few simple activity ideas to build intimacy:
Read a book together, double date, nature walks, yoga, go to a new place together, meditation, take a class together, learn a new game, skill, hobby, sport, or dance.
When it comes down to it, there is no exact formula or one-size-fits-all solution for every couple. But if you’re tired of not feeling interested in your partner or no longer feeling as if you have anything in common, there are many options to rekindle a sense of intimacy. The only real key is that you’re both willing and interested in cultivating that connection.
If you would like a little support, reach out about Couples Therapy or Dynamic Couples Therapy today. And be sure to check out the rest of the blogs in this series:
