Common Issues Couples Fight Over Series: Part 3
Note: for the purposes of this particular blog post, we are mainly referring to finances within the context of marriage. This is not necessarily applicable to dating and is not applicable to abusive or toxic relationships.
Finances
I don’t know many couples who have not at least bickered about money at some point, especially starting out. Whether it’s mismatched expectations about roles and income, overspending, hoarding or shame, EVERYONE has baggage around money. When two people come together as one in marriage, financial beliefs often clash in some way.
“Money is an expression of energy and we use it to support our life. Consciousness is the awareness and internal knowing of thoughts, feelings and experiences. When money is earned, spent, saved and given consciously, it reflects what we value most. It becomes an intuitive gauge for who we are, what we stand for and where we are headed. By interacting with money consciously, we feel good about ourselves and our world.”
Ultimately, whether you like it or not, money is tied to our self-worth. The way we grew up with or without money, where we place our value and identity, and how we define success all include money in some capacity. What happens if roles reverse or the breadwinner gets laid off? Are you equipped to handle those tough discussions?
Emotions can run high when we try to discuss money from a place of neutrality, but it’s important to have these sensitive conversations with your spouse to begin to develop positive associations around money.
What happens when we avoid discussing money?
Someone eventually ends up feeling manipulated or taken advantage of because they’re not heard.
Fighting is inevitable because you simply have no practice.
Spending or saving is not agreed upon, so month to month spending is erratic. This often results in debt.
Money becomes ‘the elephant in the room’ and a source of stress and contention.
How to begin discussing money in healthy ways?
Take time to recognize and label your own personal hang-ups around money. (Remember: we ALL have them.) Start by asking yourself the following questions and answering honestly:
Are you operating from a place of scarcity mindset or abundance?
Do you feel comfortable sharing money and income with your spouse? (i.e. Do you trust your partner?)
What types of spending are you comfortable with? What types of spending do you avoid?
How was financial responsibility (or lack thereof) modeled for you growing up?
If your relationship with money were a personal relationship, how would you describe it? (i.e. neglectful, healthy, abusive, manipulative…etc.)
Stop labeling anything as ‘mine’ or ‘yours.’ In a healthy and trusting marriage, the goal is seeing all resources, blessings or debts as OURS. Afterall, two have become united as one.
Once you answer and discuss some of the questions above, you will hopefully have a clearer picture of why discussing money can feel like a challenge. No two people will answer the same way! So how can you meet in the middle and move forward?
Number one suggestion in many marriage books and certainly in any solid financial resource is going to be: create a budget together. There are many different ways to do it and stick to it. Whether it’s using a ‘cash only’ system or tracking spending in an app such as EveryDollar, sticking to a budget together is going to be one of the simplest ways to develop healthy communication around money and stay on the same page.
Especially if you have a common financial goal such as getting out of debt or saving for a vacation together, having a budget to work on can actually bring you closer as a couple!
I know it might not be fun at first and not everyone has a mind for numbers. But if it could add an element of ease to your marriage and help you develop better habits, it’s worth it.
When it comes down to it, there is no exact formula or one-size-fits-all solution for every couple. But if you’re tired of not feeling interested in your partner or no longer feeling as if you have anything in common, there are many options to rekindle a sense of intimacy. The only real key is that you’re both willing and interested in cultivating that connection.
If you would like a little support, reach out about Couples Therapy or Dynamic Couples Therapy today. And be sure to check out the rest of the blogs in this series:
