Help for grieving
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.”
I’m relatively new to big losses and understanding the journey of grief, but each time I experience it, I learn a little something new. If anything, I’ve found that I can use all the help I can get when it comes to grief. I’ve put together a bit of a survival guide of suggestions.
If you or someone you know is experiencing grief and loss, you might benefit from receiving or offering some of these suggestions and recognizing what NOT to do as well.
Helpful Suggestions
“Remember to eat, sleep and hydrate” - This is such a practical and helpful little reminder that is easy to overlook especially in the immediate hours and days after a loss. Consider things like juices, smoothies or warm broth when you just can’t stomach food.
“Tell me about your loved one” - I so appreciated receiving this suggestion in the midst of my grief. It is overwhelming to feel the loss, but lovely to share about how much they meant to you and what made them special.
“Take a bath or lie under a heavy blanket.” - I think the need to feel ‘held’ is a very natural and visceral urge for a grieving body. You tend to just feel achy and exhausted anyway, so heat and pressure can help.
“Just wanted to check in.” Grief feels incredibly lonely and isolating, especially when the lost person or pet is the one who would generally help and support you the most. It’s really helpful when people just gently reach out, especially a few days or weeks later as life goes ‘back to normal.’ Sometimes that transition is the very hardest part and also when people have already stopped checking in.
Unhelpful Suggestions
Please keep in mind that all of the following “unhelpful” suggestions have good intentions and are not inherently ‘wrong’ or ‘bad.’ If you have given or received these types of condolences, don’t over-think it or beat yourself up! Everyone is doing their best with grief and it’s very hard to know what to do or say.
“Keep busy” - I was surprised how often I received this advice. To an extent, I get it and I understand the sentiment, however, it’s imperative to not dissociate via distractions. Busy-ness through grief has it’s limits and if we abuse it, we are only avoiding feeling what we’re feeling. Any unprocessed emotion will just get stuck in the body to manifest later as pain or disease.
“It’s time to move on.” - Thankfully I’ve never had anyone in my life suggest this, but I know it happens and it’s absolutely unhelpful. While I can sympathize with the feelings behind it (i.e. wanting to help, pain in seeing other’s pain…etc.) this sentiment is dismissive at best, but can really feel abusive. It is never kind to tell someone to grieve faster, even if you think they’re wallowing. Grief moves at it’s own pace and it is different for everyone. If you want to help someone ‘move on,’ consider examining how and why their grief makes you uncomfortable.
“What do you need?” - This is definitely not a ‘bad’ suggestion at all, it’s only that it can feel a little too vague. When you’re in the trenches with grief, it can feel overwhelming to articulate your needs. It’s often more helpful to offer something specific such as: “Can I bring you some food? Can I help you with household chores/pets/kids…etc? Would you like some company?”
“You really ought to (fill-in-the-blank with literally any unsolicited advice)” - I know it can feel tempting to look at someone else’s journey or perceived mistakes from the outside and think, “Geez, if they only would have done THIS instead of THAT,” or “Wow, I can’t believe how fast they moved on.” Ultimately, if your true goal is to help them navigate their grief, the way YOU would do it is meaningless. So in that regard, you will help most by keeping your mouth shut.
Death and loss, especially when the person or pet is young and vibrant, is just so incredibly hard to come to terms with. You might spend days or weeks repeating, “I just cannot believe they’re gone.” Normalize all of your repetitive feelings, frustrations, and thoughts during this time because it’s just challenging for your hurting heart to process.
Grief really does tend to come in waves, which is a small mercy. You don’t need to manage it all at once.
Above all else, do not be afraid to ask for the support that you need and be gentle with yourself. This is such a delicate time and people really do want to help, even if they do or say the wrong thing sometimes. Give each other grace and take it one moment at a time.
Much love to the broken-hearted, from one aching heart to another.
