How to support someone through grief (do’s & don’ts)
Grief is defined as deep sorrow. Many associate grief with death, but this can be any loss. A breakup, a season of life changing, even in conjunction with happy times such as getting married, but leaving our childhood hometown, or having a baby, but knowing you will miss your life before children. Grief is relative and comes and goes in our lives at various points in time. We will go through many waves of grief, as well as those around us throughout our lifetime.
Sometimes, though, we can be at a loss as to how to help someone we know and love who is grieving, as well as we may not know what we need if we are grieving ourselves.
What do we say? What is helpful? Should I not have said that one thing at the funeral? It’s so easy to want to be helpful but feel as though you’re just filling awkward, empty space with words.
There are many things that are helpful and not helpful during the grieving process. Some which you may have said or received before. If you have said one of these things to another, don’t beat yourself up. Usually people understand things that are said during times of grief are said with the best of intentions in order to find connection to the grieving person and to be encouraging. I hope this list can better prepare us as individuals as we inevitably experience grief in one way or another.
Not So Helpful (and why):
“Everything happens for a reason”
Although this may be true, the grieving person most likely isn’t interested in what that reason is at the present moment
“They’re in a better place”
Again, this may be true, but a lot of times the grieving person would rather have the deceased with them in that moment, and doesn’t want to hear about where they are without them
“God only gives us what we can handle”
A common internal emotional response to this would sound like, ‘Then I want to be weak, and I don’t want to be strong’
“Be strong for your family”
This takes away the way in which a person needs to grieve individually. Allow the person to grieve how they need to grieve. The pressure of being strong for others can prohibit the natural grieving process.
“It gets easier”
This is not necessarily true in most cases. It’s not so much as things get easier, but rather people learn to adjust to a new normal. For others, it’s a consistent, loud struggle - so safe to just not say this. There are no guarantees with grief.
“I know just/exactly how you feel”
No, you don’t. You did not have this exact relationship and you have not felt the exact feelings of this current individual. Traumas like grief and loss are not comparable.
“When my (enter relationship here) died….*enter personal life event story*”
This is not helpful. Losing your grandfather is not the same as losing your father, which is not the same as losing your cousin, which is not the same as losing your friend. You get the point. Like the previous quote, it’s not the same relationship or feeling. We experience things uniquely because we are our own person within our own unique relationships and process our own unique thoughts and feelings.
“Do you need anything?”
This has great intentions, but we want to be a bit more specific. The grieving person is almost always not thinking straight enough to be able to decide what they could need from you. (More on this in the next section.)
Helpful:
“I love you”
“I’m here”
Both of these remind the grieving individual that they are not alone, without the need to think of a response. It can be very exhausting for a grieving person to have to thank everyone who sends a message. Sending these types of reminders without expectation of a response bring support without obligation to the grieving person, which can be very healing.
“Would you like me to (enter suggestion here)”
Some suggestions:
Take the kids so you get some time to plan/think/be alone?
Come sit with you while I work on a few things? (some people just need quality time but don’t want to talk about any of the trauma or loss)
Come with you and watch a movie or read, chat, or just be with each other?
Bring a meal?
Can I come clean your home? Do some laundry? Dishes? (These are things that may be helpful to a grieving person, or overwhelming. Try to discern what type of person the grieving individual is and what would truly be helpful)
Stories - laughter!
Sharing stories of the deceased and continuing to keep their memory alive can be very healing for the grieving person. Laughter also releases positive chemicals in the brain to promote healing.
Collect notes from co-workers, peers, etc to present/send to the grieving person as indirect support. Grieving can be very lonely and it can be healing to know others are thinking and praying without it being too overwhelming.
Nothing! Saying nothing verbally can sometimes be just what the doctor ordered for a grieving person.
Examples include: giving a hug, squeezing a hand, making/receiving food, making sure water and tissues are fully stocked and replenished, sending a heart through text when thinking of them (with no expectation of returned response)
Don’t forget about them.
One of the most common situations grieving people find themselves in is once the initial viewings, funeral, and memorial services wear off, it seems like they’re the only one that remembers that the deceased person is still gone. Everyone can move on in their lives quickly and seemingly forget that the grieving person is still in pain. Keeping this in mind, it’s very impactful for a grieving person to have people who continue to check in weeks, months, even years after a loss. Holidays, anniversaries, etc can be a painful memory, and if someone is aware of this pain with them, it can be a bit lighter to manage. Grief is not linear. It has mountains and valleys, and a lot of times, lifelong ups and downs.
All of these are based on relationship and personality, but if you don’t know where to start if someone you know is grieving, hopefully this is helpful! Remember that when someone is grieving, the most helpful thing to do is to serve and be available. This is not about us as helpers, but everything to do with coming alongside to help the grieving person heal and adjust to their new normal.
