Common Issues Couples Fight Over Series: Part 5
Note: for the purposes of this particular blog post, we are referring to roles and responsibilities within the context of marriage. This is not necessarily applicable to dating and is not applicable to abusive or toxic relationships.
Roles & Responsibilities.
This is a big one. Roles in a marriage include everything from who is responsible for which daily household chores, what each spouses’ expectations are of each other and how all tasks are shared or delegated.
It seems like every one of the posts in this series (Things Couples Fight Over) keeps coming back to one thing: our culture. Roles and responsibilities of a husband and wife are drastically shifted from what they were 100 years ago. While many of these changes are obviously positive and every couple is different, some cultural expectations put unnecessary subconscious pressure on us. We should not be looking to our culture as a healthy model for what marriage should look like. If the world was doing it right, there would be far more happy longterm marriages.
Frustrations with marital roles often come up early on in marriage, but sometimes never actually get resolved or understood. It’s helpful to consider the following in your own marriage:
How were marital roles modeled or not modeled for you as a child? How do you handle disagreements or differing perspectives? What do you think should be the role of a husband or wife? What does it mean to be a man or woman? Who is the breadwinner? What happens if that person gets laid off? How are finances managed? Who cooks, cleans, takes care of pets or other household chores? Are your roles complementing or conflicting with one another?
As a Christian, there are alternative perspectives to marital roles that allow space for each partner to fit very specific and complementarian roles.
What does complementarian mean?
Complementarian simply means that husbands and wives embrace roles that are intrinsically equal in worth and value but distinct and unique in design, role and function. One isn’t better than the other; they complete or complement each other.
For some folks, the idea of traditional complementarianism gets confused with more extreme views, such as a wife’s role being a subservient, brainless doormat who submits to her husband in any and all circumstances, while her “superior” husband as a domineering tyrant who oppressively demands his way or the highway. These roles certainly do not line up with scriptural views on relationships.
In an ideal marriage, the husband does function as the spiritual leader of the household. But this should be thought of in terms as a ‘team captain’ rather than a ‘boss.’ ‘Submitting’ to ones husband does not mean that the husband is domineering nor that the wife is passive. Toxic masculinity is just as damaging as toxic femininity.
“Biblical submission never dominates, demeans, demands or abuses another person. It does not require spouses to deny their giftings or personality or shut off their intellect. Biblical submission expresses itself through sacrificial love and honor; servanthood and respect; encouragement and kindness; dying to self. At its core, biblical submission is about treasuring the other person who is created in the image of almighty God and joint “heirs with you of the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7).”
Considering what exactly submission means and looks like (for both spouses) must be done through the lens of LOVE. In the same way that we submit to God because we love Him and He loves us, we would never submit blindly or out of obligation.
Both partners in a marriage need to learn how to find ways to serve and love one another rather than focusing on their own needs.
If this feels frustrating for you to read or sounds like a big ‘ask,’ I’d love to help you work through it together. One of our specialties here at True North is Couples Therapy and we have seen many lives changed and marriages healed over the years. We would love to help you facilitate these important conversations.
When it comes down to it, there is no exact formula or one-size-fits-all solution for every couple. But if you’re tired of not feeling interested in your partner or no longer feeling as if you have anything in common, there are many options to rekindle a sense of intimacy. The only real key is that you’re both willing and interested in cultivating that connection.
If you would like a little support, reach out about Couples Therapy today. And be sure to check out the rest of the blogs in this series:
