What to do when your spouse doesn’t want therapy
When things aren’t going well in your relationship, it’s already a very isolating and lonely feeling. If your spouse or partner isn’t willing or committed to try counseling, it can feel even more lonely and frustrating.
While you obviously cannot control and should not manipulate your partner into therapy, there are sometimes a few suggestions that may help.
Your first step should be to listen with compassion.
From the outside looking in, it can be easy to assume that your spouse is just being stubborn or spiteful. While that may unfortunately occasionally be the case, there are often many legitimate reasons behind refusing or not understanding therapy. Ask them what they’re really thinking and what is behind the decision.
Is it the financial commitment? Fear of being attacked? A previously unsuccessful or even harmful therapy experience? Disbelief that it will ‘work?’ Discomfort sharing their ‘dirty laundry’ with a stranger?
Listen to all of the concerns your spouse is sharing with you and see if there is any way you might help them to feel more comfortable. Most therapists (myself included) offer a free phone consultation in which you and your spouse could both ask questions and share concerns.
If you haven’t yet, consider committing to therapy on your own.
Obviously, you cannot control or change your spouse and believe it or not, that’s not actually the goal of couples therapy. ;) While individual therapy is not going to repair your marriage, it absolutely can help you approach your marriage in a healthy way and give you a new perspective. Learn better communication skills on your own, understand the patterns or bad habits that you may contribute to the relationship, and develop a deeper compassion for your partner.
One of the biggest points that we as therapists are often trying to drive home is that couples therapy is actually intended to be used as preventative care. It’s not often seen or prioritized in that way.
When couples use therapy only as a last resort, it creates a negative stigma around the entire process.
Here’s a good analogy you might consider sharing with your spouse: It’s very much like never taking your car in for routine maintenance, but expecting it to start right up and drive properly. Eventually, you see the check engine light come on in your car, but you completely ignore it. As you drive around, you cause more and more damage and the issue becomes more obvious, more stress-inducing and much harder to fix. After a while, it’s difficult to even determine the original root cause of the malfunction. When you finally DO make an appointment with the mechanic, you've already lost hope. You are dreading the appointment and don’t believe it can even be fixed. The car is often totaled at this point just due to sheer neglect. Not only was there no maintenance, but even after it was obvious there was a problem (the indicator light) it wasn’t taken seriously.
At True North Vitality, we are committed to sharing all of the tools in our arsenal to save, improve and strengthen your marriage. Though it always takes two to fully heal a relationship, there are often many ways that you can learn how to create healthier boundaries, recognize patterns and express yourself more clearly. Sometimes those changes are enough to create progress in your relationship or inspire your partner to come along.
If you’re considering counseling or would like to set up a free phone consult, please reach out.
