How to Interrupt the Pattern on Repetitive Arguments
Remember playing the “Telephone Game” when you were little? One person chooses a specific phrase or ‘rumor’ such as: “The red fox jumped over the green fence” and whispers it to their neighbor. As the information gets passed around quickly and quietly from one person to the next, it inevitably becomes twisted, distorted or even loses it’s meaning all together. People may make assumptions about what they think they hear, make things up for fun or simply don’t hear at all and fill in the blanks in whatever way makes sense to them.
The game works well (i.e. ends wrong) because it relies on our human nature: fallibility.
Every human has innate and unique differences in perspective. The Telephone Game is a tame version of the way we all perceive or receive information.
But think about what it’s like to communicate and listen when you’re under any sort of stress. Ask two people what occurred during a big fight. Tone, attitude and responses become warped and blown out of proportion in a myriad of ways on opposite ends of the spectrum. It’s natural because we will always have different perspectives. There’s nothing wrong with the way each person perceives an interaction.
In combination with our individual communication skills, personality traits and ingrained patterns common to long-term relationships, our ‘differences in perspective’ can easily turn into repetitive ‘he said, she said’ spats.
And they’re EXHAUSTING, right? You know what types of arguments or disagreements you and your partner have on a regular basis. You can almost see the storm brewing a mile away once it starts to play out (again), but it seems inevitable. It can leave you both feeling shutdown and hopeless. What do you do when your ingrained ‘differences in perspective’ lead to an all out thrown down fight? And even more so: what can you do when that argument is on repeat in your relationship?
Think of a specific example or a specific argument in your mind, if you haven’t already. Whatever scenario it is, try to pinpoint the exact moment when you realized it was escalating (again). That moment may be the same or different each time. It can be a simple awareness that you’ve fallen into the pattern, or it may be when one of you loses patience, snaps or becomes irritated.
Now that you have that moment in your mind, challenge yourself to rethink the scenario with other options. When you see that the ‘difference of opinion’ is turning in to something more, what other options do you have in the way you respond? How can you literally call a time out or stop things from escalating further?
Interrupt the pattern.
A key way to think about transcending repetitive arguments is to learn how to interrupt the pattern. It’s helpful if both spouses see and understand the pattern and are able to discuss options together. While that may not be possible in every relationship or every argument, two heads are better than one and interrupting the pattern can take creativity! Here are a few things to ask yourself to jump-start the process:
At what moment is my partner feeling the escalation? How do I contribute to our pattern?
How can I call out the pattern when it’s happening in a loving way? Perhaps it’s as simple as observing your feelings in the moment or saying, “We’re doing that thing again. How can I help?” or “Can we take a breather before this goes further?”
When I see my spouse becoming stressed (anxious, angry, sad) how can I respond with compassion rather than frustration or judgement?
Without avoiding or shutting down, how could I disengage from any escalating negative energy? How can I shift my own energy?
What options and responsibility do I have for my own words and behavior?
Can I allow my partner to feel what he/she is feeling without internalizing it? In other words: let my emotions be mine and their emotions be theirs.
I’m not saying that any of this is easy. Trust me, every healthy relationship still has it’s pitfalls and you might need help in overcoming this. That’s what we’re here for, especially within the context of Dynamic Couples Therapy. But ultimately, it takes 2 people to argue. Always. And if even one of those people are truly willing to interrupt the pattern in an effort to forge a new pathway, it can still be successful.
Just as with retraining your brain or creating new neural pathways, it takes time to remember that other options/pathways do exist. It’s always easier to remain in the pattern. But once those new options are reinforced with a positive outcome, it will eventually become easier and easier to observe, interrupt and recreate the patterns you want in your relationship.
And that’s a very empowering feeling.
