Why “Trying Harder” Doesn’t Work
Building Infrastructure In Therapy Part 1: Why “Trying Harder” Doesn't Work
Often when we hear the word “infrastructure” we think of buildings, bridges, public buildings and basic systems that make up our ability to have a society. When you see me use that term in this blog or hear me use it in therapy I want you to hold that concept loosely and apply it as a metaphor.
While it still fits the technical definition, infrastructure in a therapeutic application means that we need a framework which we use to build off of for all the other things we do.
This is really a crucial concept to understand, because if we think that what makes therapy useful or successful is coming in and dumping all of our problems out each week, or just trying the same things we have been doing harder that we already know haven't worked, we are sure to fail eventually. One of the reasons people come to see a therapist is in hopes they will be able to make change, or at least make their pain go away (which is directly connected to changing). So what I propose is letting me help you to shift the way you think about how you approach the painful things that are keeping you stuck. Building infrastructure is a concept that will do just that!
In this metaphor of a framework necessary for a society to thrive, a modern example would be many third world countries compared to a first world country. I once heard many years ago that the country of Haiti, after a terrible earthquake that devastated their region, would take at least ten years to rebuild back to the point they were before the disaster. People sent tens of billions of dollars from all over the world to help, humanitarian aid came in to administer medical care, cleanup and food to needy people. And yet year after year they struggled along, not being able to recover well. Despite all the incredible giving and generosity from others, Haiti remains in a near perpetual state of rebuilding. Why? Why is it that, lets say Florida, can clean up some of the worst disasters and get on with life as usual in months, but Haiti and other regions cannot? Answer: they have a poor infrastructure system. Their region is simply not outfitted with the roads, hospitals, waste removal crews and sites to do this efficiently. So no matter how much money and other aid is thrown at solving the problem they will advance slowly while their infrastructure remains as it is.
Why are we talking about Haiti when this is a therapy blog post? Well, let's transplant this idea of not having the resources necessary to clean up an area and thrive to a relationship of any kind. If a wife expects her husband to listen to her and make her feel heard, but has not regularly or ever communicated her needs without things turning into a fight where the emotions take center stage, then there is no way for that expectation to ever realistically be met. It will be a perpetual fight of bringing up an unmet need, the husband often feeling caught off guard, scolded or unclear of how to listen well and then trying to defend himself from what feels like an attack. On the converse side of things, if a husband feels disrespected when his wife brings things up this way and tries to share his perspective or needs, knowing that this will not be heard by his partner but will only make him feel justified, the likely outcome is going to be a predictable retreat to roles which Dr. John Gottman labels as “attacker” and “defender.” Ask me how I know this pattern ;)
Oftentimes couples, or anyone really, believe that their problem is unique and could not be understood unless every nuanced detail was explained and often agreed upon by the listener.
The reality is that these issues are SO common that books, protocols and workshops are run every year on how to help people understand that this is actually where they are getting stuck.
So I'm using the word infrastructure to make the point that if you have NEVER had a successful conversation with your partner where you felt heard, got your point across to where it was at least accepted if not agreed with, and did the same for your partner, then you have not actually been having a dialogue at all. You have been having two separate monologues and expecting the impossible.
The good news is that with dedication to working on oneself these issues are actually simple to understand and over time can be trained into how you practice having a healthy conversation. The key here is practice. If you show up every week or two to a therapy session and listen to your therapist talk and then leave and do not put into practice the skills you have learned, have not researched and journaled over the part you contribute to this dynamic then you are paying money and spending time to try harder the same thing you are doing which you know does not work.
My goal in working with any client is to help them to see where things are breaking down, where they have little to no framework for how to do whatever they are trying to accomplish, and then to build that framework through training, repetition and curiosity of their opportunities for personal growth, and begin living the life they have always wished for but felt they had to settle for less.
I'm here to tell you that very few things in this world are broken beyond repair, and I have yet to see a client come into my office that was factually incapable of the change they want for themselves.
The difference between those who succeed and those who continue to perform the same corrosive routines day in and day out is a willingness to roll up your sleeves and build a new framework for how you are going to handle things. I don't expect it will take ten years, like it did for Haiti, and you shouldn't expect that for yourself either. Expect that whether you're reading this as a potential client looking for a therapist for the first time or whether you have been seeing me or any therapist for years, you today have all the potential to change your story if you build that infrastructure for yourself.
But wait, there's more! Some of the examples I used today referred specifically to couples, which is a large chunk of the client base I see. However I also see many people with strained family relationships as adults, those who struggle with depression, anxiety, trauma, anger, addiction and many others. These principles I've discussed apply to all categories of struggle. In Part 2 of this series we are going to look at some other areas where people get stuck, how building a new infrastructure can get them moving again, and begin to give more practical application steps anyone can take to begin heading in the right direction. You won’t want to miss it!
